here's one that happened when a friend of mine was dog sitting for a family with a big old dinosaur st bernard while they were in europe. she was staying at the house and one morning woke up and found that the dog had died. she called the family to give them the bad news. they gave her the even worse news that their trip wasn't over for a good two weeks and that my friend would have to cremate their gigantic dog. this is not a joke.
so my friend finds a place that cremates giant dogs in the phone book and figures out how best to get there. unfortunately this story takes place in new york city and does not include the luxury and convenience of a car. it's a story about the city bus and a huge dead st bernard in a borrowed designer suitcase.
i know you don't believe me but i swear it's true. how else do you transport a massive dog that is also dead but in a suitcase with wheels? i thought it was a pretty clever move. if it was me i probably woulda just sucked it up and put the damn thing on my back. but i also woulda taken a cab. whatever. we're missing the story.
so my friend is dragging this heavy-as-shit st bernard corpse down the sidewalk in her boss's suitcase. she shows up at the bus stop and there's already a small crowd. wonderful. when the bus finally shows, she waits for the crowd to pile in and takes up the back.
but she can't get the big son of a bitch up the stairs. the guy ahead of her notices her distress, grabs the handle and hoists it up. he gives her a screwy look and asks, "whatchoo got in there?" "computer parts," she tells him. no idea why. apparently that's her default response. unfathomable. but we
are on a city bus with a dead dog in a suitcase so i guess everyday standards don't apply.
anyway, this part's easy. she just sits there on the bus and waits for her stop. the helper guy makes occasional friendly eye contact, which makes her nervous, but that's fine. finally her stop comes and she drags the suitcase toward the door. her friend jumps up to help her. drags the damn thing down the steps and smiles her off.
she's about ten steps away and just as the bus starts to make the terrible noise of pulling away, the helper guy yells like this: "HEY!" she turns around to see what he wants and just as she does, he punches her in the stomach, grabs the suitcase and runs off.
for real.
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